17 March 2011

TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS

This is my faux-serious creative writing for school.  I thought it may interest the blogging world.

Today is the most important day of your career.  Your hands are producing enough sweat for a salt water therapy pool.  Grey suits stare blankly into their Starbucks™ as you stand nervously to give your presentation.  Boredom turns to embarrassed silence.  You look down into your reflection in your polished shoes, and then up at your hairy, hairy legs.  You are not wearing any pants.  But this is no nightmare – this is a reality.
Tights (noun).  A light tight-fitting covering for a woman's legs that stretches from the toes up to an elastic waistband.  Pantlessness is an epidemic sweeping the nation. An epidemic in the form of people choosing to wear tights instead of pants.  Tights as pants offer too much information to the viewer.  They cling to every crevice, bulge and unseemly seam.  They undermine privacy to nether regions that pants would otherwise afford.  They are not appropriate leg coverings.  Like a bank account the details of your derrière is not public information.  Like rotting floorboards no one wants to see saggy, bunched material covering your behind.  Like togs are undies unless you can see the beach, tights are not pants unless tap dancing is your occupation.  Tights (noun).  Not pants.
Tights, once the domain of Shakespearian thespians and David Bowie, have become a fixture in popular culture.  Texan fashion blogger cheapgirlinachicworld.blogspot.com specifically dedicated a post to the perils of tights as pants.  She brought up the “serious issue” of how she has seen too “many young women with severe confusion” of how tights should be worn.  She then goes on to compare celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan and Lauren Conrad, and how they correctly and incorrectly style tights.  Hayley’s blog is an interesting insight into how media has helped the infectious spread of tights as pants.
tightsarenotpants.com aims to cure the world of the pantless plague.  The website offers a downloadable press kit for “supporting the cause”.   Tabloid posters that Big Brother could be proud of proclaim that “Tights will not suffice” and chant “No No NO!  Those tights aren’t pants”.  Pant-wearers of New Zealand must take the crusade against pantlessness to the streets; this election year is the time to make our voices heard.  What do we want?  Legislation banning tights as pants.  When do we want it?  Now!
Consider the jegging – an incestuous breed of jeans and leggings.  Lycra is disguised to look like denim; no zippers, buttons or stitching, just an indecent amount of skin coverage.  Pre-pubescent 14 year olds can be observed in their natural habitat at the local mall – exposing their legs in jeggings whilst clutching vampire romance fantasy fiction.  Pants, once a symbol of gender equality, are being deliberately discarded by misguided girls in favour of jeggings.  Mrs Pankhurst would weep.
Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression”.  Every human being has the right to express themselves in what they say, what they do and what they wear.  If someone so chooses, it is their right to express themselves with an act of pantlessness.  Persecuting against any human birthright is the first tear of a metaphorical run in freedom.  Freedom is precious to humanity.  Throughout history Athenians, Frenchmen and Libyans have fought for the freedom for their voice to be heard in government.  Everyday high school students wrestle with their teachers for the freedom to adorn their uniform with non-regulation items.  Freedom is a “fundamental human right” and a foundation of the United Nation’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights.  Which person, government or multi-national corporation has the right to encroach on our freedom?  Who can limit what we wear, what we think and ultimately who we are?  This freedom even extends to the heinous act of pantlessness.  You may uphold your human right to wear tights as pants.  But be warned: I’ll uphold my opinion against it.

4 comments:

  1. Hahaha that's amazing. :D
    If I could, I would never wear pants again. But I wear a lot of skirts, so it works out all right.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahahaha! Got to agree here. This is hilarious but true!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is the funniest thing I've read in ages. I'm always saying 'That person forgot her skirt' when I see girls in tights with nothing covering the butt. I must say it's even better when white undies are worn under sheer black tights as pants...that is a feast for the eyes, or a living nightmare!

    ReplyDelete

I get excited if you comment.